Purpose
I became a mom for the first time in 1983. My sweet baby girl, Krista Marie, lived 10 days on this earth—10 days longer than doctors expected.
I’d felt something was wrong early on, but it wasn’t until I went into labor at 8 months and had an x-ray that we learned she had a brain tumor and no possibility of sustaining life. I was so afraid. I asked the doctor to put me under for the c-section because I didn’t want to see her. But about 12 hours after I woke from anesthesia, I held my daughter for the first time. And from that moment, I spent as much time as I possibly could with her, even though my husband urged me not to get attached. I couldn’t help it. She was a part of me.
After Krista passed and I held her for the last time, the shame, guilt, & pain I felt was unbearable. I blamed myself because of all the drugs and alcohol I consumed before becoming pregnant. The doctor told me her tumor began at conception, and I knew I had snorted a lot of cocaine the night she was conceived. My husband blamed himself too and began to distance himself from me.
I did all I could to get out of the house & escape the emptiness. One night I went to a makeup party at a friend’s house, which led to meeting a group of women who seemed to have something special, something I wanted. They were happy, full of joy & peace. I soon discovered what they had was Christ—that’s what set them apart. I started to spend more time with them just to get closer to that feeling; I accepted Christ in 1984.
But salvation didn’t immediately rid me of the pain, and though I knew Christ forgave me, I was unable to forgive myself. I had 2 more beautiful daughters, Ashley & Sara, and I took them to church and tried to make things right for them. But my husband had no interest in church; he drifted further away & sadly our marriage dissolved.
Year after year around Krista’s birthday, I'd ask God, “Why was she born?” On her 17th birthday, I was particularly angry with God and took a walk. I yelled at God, pumped my fist and shouted, “WHY? Why was she even born when you knew she was going to die? Why the pain?” Then I heard a voice, not audible but very impressionable, say, "That was her purpose.”
Krista’s purpose was to come to earth and die so that I would turn to God. Like God’s son died for all of us. It was the first time in 17 years of searching that I realized Krista's life and death saved me from the self-destructive path I was on. Through her death, I found Christ.
I met my current husband, Dave, in church, and we raised my daughters surrounded by the love of Christ and the church. Krista’s legacy is the salvation of my children and my children’s children. Becoming a mom when I did and how I did was a blessing, even if I didn’t realize it for 17 years. God doesn’t always give an answer when you want it, and that’s hard to accept, but just know he loves you so much—with or without an answer.